nothing's changed. argh!

Originally posted January 21, 2007.
[reposted because of this]

In the order of things, it has always been Bon's role to be confused, Gen's to listen with her aloof worldliness, and mine to emphatically remind them that their place will always be in Cebu.

It's almost a paradigm shift for me to admit that lately, I have been feeling an inexplicable urge to wander.

My goal has always been simple: work hard during my productive years, semi-retire when I'm 30 to travel the world, and then settle back to a comfortable life in Cebu. Of course, by that time, I would have amassed enough wealth to actually do what I want to do for the rest of my life -- whatever that is.

But having just barely survived a terrible year, I now have to face the fact that it's not gonna happen. At least not in 2 years (I'm turning 28 this year, yech). At least not yet.

And so, now that there's some talk of a job somewhere, not in this city, and not in this country, I'm actually tempted to flee. It's not a job offer per se, but an invitation to submit my credentials. And, well, it's a job for which I know that I am fully qualified.

Back in the early part of this millennium, in the interlude between the end of the stress-laden ordeal that was my first job and the crazy ride that was to become my entrepreneural adventure, I took my adrenaline rush from job interviews. I love job interviews. Historically, they had always gone my way. The banter, the repertoire, and the ego-boosting "Sorry, but you can't afford me" clincher that soon morphed into a vicious mantra. The job hunt was a game. A sick, selfish, egocentric game. And eventually, I settled for none of the offers and opted to indulge on an insane whim -- to start on my own.

It worked out (beautifully, lucratively) for the greater part of this experiment, but now, things are looking bleak and I am ready to consider other options.

I do fear, however, that by leaving, I am admitting defeat. It is not in my nature to give up. Not that easily, no. It's always been my nature to be stubborn. To fight back until the last drop of blood has been spilled.

Hence, my confusion. A premature one, even I have to admit. But even if this job turns out to be a wild goose chase, there will always be other jobs, other opportunities. The prospect of trekking another path will always loom in the background, much like an annoying song that just won't leave you well enough alone. And that is something I have to deal with, sooner rather than later.

In the meantime, I have set a goal for myself. It's a financial yardstick that, if unmet, will tell me beyond a shadow of a doubt that there's something else I should be doing with my life.

Like Bon, I, too, believe in signs. And what more comprehensible sign is there than the figures in my bank account?